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Kōans

The koan of the derivative work

Wen the Monk entered the cell of his friend, Tu-Tzi Fru-Tzi to find the floor uncharacteristically full of crumpled papers.

“Tu-Tzi, what are you doing?” Wen asked. “Some kind of origami floor?”

Tu-Tzi looked upon his hands in despair. “I’m trying to write something, but everything I do is derivative” he cried.

“You’re trying to avoid derivative work?” Wen asked. “How original!”

After a few hours of watching cat videos, Tu-Tzi was enlightened.Enki2 auf Fractal Cult

Primal Chaos

Golden Rod approached the monk Nopants.

“Master Nopants, what can I learn by observing Primal Chaos?”

The master held up a pen. “Do you know what this is?”

“Yes, it’s a pen.”

The master said. “I use it to scratch my balls.”Cramulus auf Fractal Cult

A Discordian Koan

So, Malaclypse the Younger, the discordian pope, was sitting there, doing his thing, when a faithful follower of Our Goddess Discordia came to him and asked:

- Why are you a pope and I’m not?

The pope responded:

- I’m not a pope, dude, what the fuck?

- But you said you were, man, it’s in the book! - said the follower, pointing to some book.

- Well, yeah, but so what? - said the pope.

The follower, then, became elightened.via xicaraverde

A Discordian Koan V

A discordian monk, tired of sitting there preteding he was meditating, decided to kill time by asking a pope:

- How do I become a pope?

The pope looked intrigued:

- What do you mean?

- I mean… - said the monk, but he got interrrupted by the pope.

- Well, that’s the problem right there.via xicaraverde

A Koan

One afternoon a student said “Roshi, I don’t really understand what’s going on. I mean, we sit in zazen and we gassho to each other and everything, and Felicia got enlightened when the bottom fell out of her water-bucket, and Todd got enlightened when you popped him one with your staff, and people work on koans and get enlightened, but I’ve been doing this for two years now, and the koans don’t make any sense, and I don’t feel enlightened at all! Can you just tell me what’s going on?”

“Well you see,” Roshi replied, “for most people, and especially for most educated people like you and I, what we perceive and experience is heavily mediated, through language and concepts that are deeply ingrained in our ways of thinking and feeling. Our objective here is to induce in ourselves and in each other a psychological state that involves the unmediated experience of the world, because we believe that that state has certain desirable properties. It’s impossible in general to reach that state through any particular form or method, since forms and methods are themselves examples of the mediators that we are trying to avoid.

So we employ a variety of ad hoc means, some linguistic like koans and some non-linguistic like zazen, in hopes that for any given student one or more of our methods will, in whatever way, engender the condition of non-mediated experience that is our goal. And since even thinking in terms of mediators and goals tends to reinforce our undesirable dependency on concepts, we actively discourage exactly this kind of analytical discourse.”

And the student was enlightened. /r/Koans via Cramulus

The Parable of the Gong

There was once a young Discordian called Golden Rod. Early in his illumination, he wondered what season his country was in. Perhaps it was in the season of Discord, on the cusp of Bureaucracy. Surely, Order was rising to noxious levels.

Or perhaps it was already Bureaucracy, on the cusp of Aftermath. Surely, Disorder was rising to obnoxious levels.

So in his quest for An Answer, Golden Rod sought out the Discordian monk Nopants. Nopants dwelled in a basement because it would be obscene for him to go outside. Golden Rod freed himself from his leggings and descended the stairs. Below, Nopants sat on a cushion in a gross lotus position.

„My wise friend Nopants, I have come to ask you a question,” said Golden Rod,

“What is Bureaucracy?“

“In India,” said Nopants, “they tie elephants to trees using thin cords. An elephant could easily snap the cord, yet they remain tethered in place. Why do you think this is?”

Golden Rod itched himself and shrugged.

“When the elephant is young,” intoned Nopants, “she is too weak to break the cord. She tries, but eventually she gives up. When the elephant grows up, she does not try to escape her puny bonds because she believes she will fail.”

“So the cord isn’t the thing keeping the elephant in place,” said Golden Rod. He squinted at Nopants, “That’s very interesting, but what does that have to do with Bureaucracy?”

„Bureaucracy,” said Nopants, “is waiting for a red traffic light in the middle of the night when no one is coming.”

  • Across space and time, a gong sounded.

Golden Rod left the basement and returned to the real world, thoroughly confused. As he drove home, he ran five red lights. His mirth rose with each light. By the end of the voyage he was giggling like a ninny at his newfound freedom.

Years went by and Golden Rod continued drive towards Aftermath. He ignored stop signs, blew through red lights, and opened his moon roof despite danger of falling rocks.

„Sweet Merciful Ass!” cried out Bung-Fu the Fool as he clawed at the dashboard. “You’re gonna get us both killed!”

“Nonsense! I am self-emancipated from these mundane traffic laws,” cackled Golden Rod. “I am a harbinger of Aftermath!”

“Do you always drive like this?” said Bung-Fu as he buckled his seat belt.

Golden Rod nodded. „Always.“

Meanwhile, the monk Nopants was wheeling his gong across the street towards his basement. He patiently waited for the light to turn red, then pushed the ponderous percussive instrument upon the pavement.

  • The collision made the exact sound of enlightenment.

via The Discordian Battlepopes

Another Incarnation of the Barstool Koan

Yamaoka Tesshu, as a young student of Zen, visited one master after another. He called upon Dokuon of Shokoku.

Desiring to show his attainment, he said: “The mind, Buddha, and sentient beings, after all, do not exist. The true nature of phenomena is emptiness. There is no relaization, no delusion, no sage, no mediocrity. There is no giving and nothing to be received.”

Dokuon, who was smoking quietly, said nothing. Suddenly he whacked Yamaoka with his bamboo pipe. This made the youth quite angry.

“If nothing exists,” inquired Dokuon, “where did this anger come from?”/r/Koans via Cramulus

The Monk Nopants

Remember the monk Nopants
who went up the mountain
and discovered
that he was an asshole
on a
mountainThe Black Iron Prison

The Stupid Parable

Nopants the Monk pulled himself up the mountain. It was a painful hike, and by the time he reached the top, he was bloody, out of breath, and fatigued. He turned and faced the valley below, and addressed the village he had come from.

“You’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid, you’re stupid!” he preached.

His voice echoed all over creation. “You are dumb and stupid, and in addition dumb, but especially stupid.” No Pants panted, falling to his knees, out of breath.

Nopants felt a hand on his shoulder. Bung Fu the Fool was also on top of the mountain, apparently having taken the escalator.

“You’re right,” Bung Fu said to Nopants, “It’s so obvious from up here.”

Nopants glared at Bung Fu. “There’s an escalator??”

“Yep,” said Bung Fu as he rode it back down on his way to lunch. “See you around!”Cramulus

The Parable of the Quiet Sunday

t was a quiet Sunday morning. Peaceful, even. The monk Nopants sat down in front of a perfectly golden brown waffle, fork and knife in hand, a serene smile on his face.

Suddenly, there was a loud obnoxious yodeling noise from the other room. Nopants gritted his teeth. The yodeling got louder. Nopants tried to ignore it as his grip tightened on his fork and knife. Apparently Golden Rod was walking around the monastery, practicing his thunder-yodels.

Bung Fu The Fool sensed that Nopants was about to flip his shit and said, “Let me handle this.”

Bung Fu jumped out from behind a bush and surprised Golden Rod. “Hey you fuckstick! Master Nopants is trying to eat his fucking waffle in peace and you keep bunging it up with your asshole yodeling.”

Golden Rod was full of it this morning. He hissed back: “Listen you sycophantic douche canoe, I am an enlightened master so I can do whatever I fucking want. I’m sick of your fascist tyrant authoritarian facist whining like ehh ehh none of us would know what to do if you didn’t crack the ass whip up all of our asses all the time, so listen up: If I want to yodel, I can do it. If I want to keep my fucking PISS IN A JAR, I can do that too. And if I want to bust my throat by yodeling so hard MY EYEBALLS BULGE OUT MY SKULL, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY BECAUSE THESE EYES ARE MADE FOR BULGING AND THAT’S JUST WHAT THEY’LL DO—-“

Bung Fu said, “I’m just saying—”, but Golden Rod cut him off “—AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I’M GONNA BULGE ALL OVER YOU.”

That was it for Bung Fu, he hated being yelled at and even more, he hated Nancy Sinatra. He sneered and made a stupid face and shouted back in a sarcastic tone, “OHH I DIDN’T REALIZE THAT BEING AN ENLIGHTENED MASTER MEANS HAVING NO FUCKING REGARD FOR ANYBODY ELSE AND SPAGGING AROUND THE MONASTERY GOING EHH EHH LOOK AT HOW GREAT MY YODELING IS, GIVE ME A YODELING AWARD MADE OF PISS SO I CAN KEEP IT IN A JAR AND WALK AROUND LIKE I’M BETTER THAN EVERYBODY EXCEPT I ACTUALLY HAVE A PISS JAR ON MY PERSON AND I WANT TO SHOW IT TO EVERYBODY LIKE THEY’RE PICTURES OF MY UGLY BABY AND NOBODY GIVES A FUCK BUT I KEEP SHOWING THEM OFF GOING OOOH LOOK AT HOW CUTE MY BABY IS ISN’T HE PRECIOUS HE’S THE CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD — EXCEPT PEOPLE REALLY THINK YOUR GODDAMN BABY LOOKS LIKE AN OLD MONSTER TRUCK TIRE THAT JUST ROLLED THROUGH A SHITSTACK OF ROADKILL WITH SHIT COMING OUT OF IT AND THEN STOPPED IN A PUDDLE OF COLD DOG JIZZ. WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT AWFUL BABY HAS HIS FATHER’S EYES, THEY’RE REALLY SAYING HE LOOKS LIKE A SMEGGY PSYCHOPATH WITH BUTTHOLES WHERE HIS EYES SHOULD BE AND THEY’RE SHITTING, CONSTANTLY SHITTING.”

“I don’t understand,” said Golden Rod.

“I’M SAYING PUT A DIAPER ON THAT BABY’S FACE, ASS TURBAN.”

Golden Rod punched out a lamp and shouted, “YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO OFFEND ME HAVE BACKFIRED AND NOW I’M HORNY AS FUCK SO I’M GOING TO CALL UP YOUR MOTHER, WHOM I HAVE ON SPEED DIAL, AND TELL HER TO ORDER A PIZZA PIE BECAUSE I’M COMING OVER AND I’M GONNA FUCK HER IN THE FAT ASS, THEN EAT THE WHOLE PIZZA IN FRONT OF HER WHILE SHE CRIES AND IF SHE ASKS FOR PIZZA I’M GONNA SAY NO BITCH, YOU’VE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH GODDAMN PIZZA ALREADY.”

Bung Fu tore off his shirt and shouted “ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A SPAG NAMED GOLDEN ROD WHO WAS ON HIS WAY TO THE BIG CITY TO MAKE HIS FORTUNE, BUT SUDDENLY HE GOT ELBOW DROPPED,” and with that, Bung Fu leapt onto Golden Rod, elbows first. They began to fight and roll around and scream crap at each other.

  • Nopants sighed.

Cramulus auf Fractal Cult

Pamphlet

“hey!” said Golden Rod. “This pamphlet is just a bunch of complaining! I mean, they’ve spotted a lot of problems but where are the solutions?”

Nopants scowled. “You’re waiting for them to tell you the answers?” He guffawed. “And what makes you think you can trust them anyway?”

Well I sure can’t trust you.” said Golden Rod.

Nopants smiled.via goatinahat

The Parable of the Trolls

Two Discordian monks got blasted and dogpiled by trolls.

Five days later, Bung Fu, still angry, said to Nopants, “I still can’t belive those greasy fingerlicking mouthbreathers! Do you want to go back and defecate on everything they call holy?”

Nopants replied, “Ehhhh Nah.”

Bung Fu said, “Why not? It would be fun as hell.”

Nopants looked out the window. “They stopped trolling me the moment I logged out. You, on the other hand, have been trolling thyself this whole time.”

The pantsless monk blew a smoke ring and smirked, “And for serious, you don’t need any help to troll THAT troll.”

Bung Fu closed his mouth.Cramulus

Nopants the Monk explains Destiny

One day, a young man set out to understand the mystery of destiny. He went to visit many wise men, but none of them could answer his questions. So it continued, until the day he visited the Discordian monk Nopants.

„Master,“ the young man said, „Can you tell me the mysteries of destiny?“

Nopants smiled. „Destiny, you say?“ The elderly monk stood up and brushed the dirt from his knees. He pointed up, at one of the many leaves that hung above his head. „What is this leaf's destiny?“

The young man looked at it. It was a broad, strong leaf, vibrantly green with life. He thought for a few moments, before saying: „To provide food for the tree that bears it, and to shade any who might come under it.“

Nopants nodded approvingly. Reaching up, he plucked the leaf and twirled it in his fingers. Then suddenly, to the young man's horror, Nopants dropped his pants, reached around, and began to wipe his ass with the leaf vigorously. The man could only watch in ever-growing shock as the monk continued to desecrate the beautiful leaf, using it as he would a normal piece of toilet paper. When he was finished, Nopants tossed the leaf to the ground with an irreverent flick of his wrist.

„You were right,“ Nopants said, „That leaf's destiny was to live quietly and peacefully.“ He pointed down at the leaf. „But what good has it's destiny done it? Look at it now. It lies crumpled and broken on the ground, covered in someone else's shit. Such is the way of the world.“

And the young man was enlightened.Remington auf PD.com

Nopants the Monk explains Enlightenment

One day, Nopants the monk was visited by a young Discordian scholar, who had come seeking his counsel.

„Master,“ the scholar said, „I am uncertain, and I had hoped that you could help me.“ The young man described all of the Discordian works he had read, such as the Principia, the Illuminatus Trilogy, and the Black Iron Prison. He told tales of the Popes he had learned from, and the many thousands of people he had mindfucked. He continued in this manner for half an hour, explaining how he had done everything a proper young Discordian should do.

„But Master,“ the young scholar said at the end of the half hour, „You must tell me this, for I am uncertain: Am I enlightened?“

Nopants smiled sadly. „My son,“ he said, „Enlightenment is like virginity. If you have to ask, the answer is no.“ Remington auf PD.com

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